Assuages guilt better than renouncing Catholicism...

Since I got back from Christmas and away from family, I've noticed that I feel much calmer and less prone to self-flagellation. Last night, suffering from insomnia (my inability to sleep when I'm supposed to is one of the things I wish I could change about myself, and is normally a source of irritaton), I realized that the reason I feel calmer and more confident is that I decided over Xmas that I don't want to have children. It's a highly abstract concept, because I'm utterly incapable of finding a date, let alone someone interested in procreating with me, but I'm sure that eventually I'll have the chance in life to make such a decision. While I absolutely love children, I saw their effect on my relatives. They were more stressed, gained fat, snapped at each other more (usually over child-related logistical duties) and seemed so unhappy much of the time (let's just say the boxed wine industry is making a killing on these two parents). Part of the reason is that the children in question were inherently fussy and high-strung since they were babies (which was exacerbated later in life by well-meaning, but exhausted and naive parenting), thus they are logistically and emotionally difficult (I've had lots of cousins and nieces and nephews, and thus have a reasonable comparison group). Further, while in the past I'd feel guilty at myself for my penchant for sleeping past noon, buying a bacon cheeseburger in the middle of the day, or going on a multi-hour hike in the middle of the day simply because I feel like it, I always thought in the back of my head "you know, if you're capable of being a responsible parent someday, you can't like or do these things too much, if at all. you should probably start growing up now before it's too late." Without that impending life challenge (however amorphously far away on the horizon), I suddenly don't feel like I'm quite the underachiever that I used to be.

I realize not all kids are as difficult as the ones I spent time with over Xmas (and realize that times for them are often good), and different people and marriages are more inclined or equipped towards having children. Regardless, if I'm already happier without children, and I don't even have them, perhaps that's a bit of a sign to myself...