Places You Don't Want to Be

A colleague of mine set up a "working group" on a topic germane to my dissertation. This fellow is question is pleasant enough, but is one of those "massive try-hard" types that are always desperately trying to come across as "intellectual." He also decided that he'd circumscribe invites to this working group so only four people showed up (two of which being half-interested faculty who had to leave early), and thus I couldn't skip out on it with a clear conscience, since I've been hounded about this all-important working group for months, although I would have much rather had those two hours to actually do work today. To compound the pointless of the scenario, the ringleader in question decided he'd present work that I had seen presented twice before (as had two of the other three attendees, since they were on his M.A. committee when he wrote this paper). One of my many personality flaws is that I don't do a good job of concealing my emotions. I do my best to be extremely polite, but my face can never lie, and I felt myself slipping and staring at the window in agitated boredom, and I stopped listening or contributing to the dialogue (which was bad, since there were only three people, including the presenter, in the room by them). I knew it was rude, but I guess I'm a weak man at times...

Afterwards, stressed out from two hours of impulse control of having to sit in a room with boring conversations (which I knew was going to be boring and pointless before hand, which made me angry, since I'm roped in with this annoying colleague, and his selfishness/obliviousness led him to create this stupid working group in the first place), I ended up having a massive binge at the downstairs vending machine. I got some sort of Cherry Blasters-esque product, some disgusting plain potato chips (which I still finished 90% of) and a Rice Krispie Square. I guess being an adult (especially a graduate student) is all about having tons of freedom with your time and such, so part of the reason why I felt so irritated is that I was obliged to waste my afternoon doing something I had no desire to do (incidentally, this was the biggest reason why I loathed going to Church as a kid).

Worst of all, I got guilt-tripped into giving a presentation to this stupid group, despite the fact that two of my committee members (50% of the membership) will be reading that presentation as a part of my prospectus at the exact same time. Despite this fact, it was the only alternative for "keeping the group going", and I couldn't squelch any well-meaning academic/collegial endeavor in front of people who will one day write me reference letters.

Much like a wild animal rendered defenseless after years of captivity, I wonder if academia has turned me soft. Most working people have to endure far worse indiginities, impulse control and overall boring-ness in their jobs, and I bet they handle it better than I do at this stage of my life. I thought those ten/twelve hour shifts dishwashing as an undergraduate would make every subsequent job or endeavor I had in life seem wonderful. Perhaps that's worn off...