Fair Trade

I will gladly take the cold of winter (and the concomitant colds it's brought upon myself and many of my colleagues and neighbors), in exchange for not being woken up at 6AM by birds doing loud mating calls, thinking it's spring already, as was occurring before the cold snap hit the continent. Further, getting somewhere between a quarter and a half of winter (depending on how long the cold snap last) is a reassuring omen that global warming might take an extra few years before really messing up the world's ecosystem.

Places You Don't Want to Be

A colleague of mine set up a "working group" on a topic germane to my dissertation. This fellow is question is pleasant enough, but is one of those "massive try-hard" types that are always desperately trying to come across as "intellectual." He also decided that he'd circumscribe invites to this working group so only four people showed up (two of which being half-interested faculty who had to leave early), and thus I couldn't skip out on it with a clear conscience, since I've been hounded about this all-important working group for months, although I would have much rather had those two hours to actually do work today. To compound the pointless of the scenario, the ringleader in question decided he'd present work that I had seen presented twice before (as had two of the other three attendees, since they were on his M.A. committee when he wrote this paper). One of my many personality flaws is that I don't do a good job of concealing my emotions. I do my best to be extremely polite, but my face can never lie, and I felt myself slipping and staring at the window in agitated boredom, and I stopped listening or contributing to the dialogue (which was bad, since there were only three people, including the presenter, in the room by them). I knew it was rude, but I guess I'm a weak man at times...

Afterwards, stressed out from two hours of impulse control of having to sit in a room with boring conversations (which I knew was going to be boring and pointless before hand, which made me angry, since I'm roped in with this annoying colleague, and his selfishness/obliviousness led him to create this stupid working group in the first place), I ended up having a massive binge at the downstairs vending machine. I got some sort of Cherry Blasters-esque product, some disgusting plain potato chips (which I still finished 90% of) and a Rice Krispie Square. I guess being an adult (especially a graduate student) is all about having tons of freedom with your time and such, so part of the reason why I felt so irritated is that I was obliged to waste my afternoon doing something I had no desire to do (incidentally, this was the biggest reason why I loathed going to Church as a kid).

Worst of all, I got guilt-tripped into giving a presentation to this stupid group, despite the fact that two of my committee members (50% of the membership) will be reading that presentation as a part of my prospectus at the exact same time. Despite this fact, it was the only alternative for "keeping the group going", and I couldn't squelch any well-meaning academic/collegial endeavor in front of people who will one day write me reference letters.

Much like a wild animal rendered defenseless after years of captivity, I wonder if academia has turned me soft. Most working people have to endure far worse indiginities, impulse control and overall boring-ness in their jobs, and I bet they handle it better than I do at this stage of my life. I thought those ten/twelve hour shifts dishwashing as an undergraduate would make every subsequent job or endeavor I had in life seem wonderful. Perhaps that's worn off...

"Authoritarian Niceness"

I was held captive in one of those three-hour brainstorming sessions for the student government today that was chaired by an external facilitator that somebody sprang for. It was relatively bearable, but it made me think of an old column by a hilariously chauvanistic and cantankerous male columnist for the New York Post-esque paper in my old home town, worrying that the world had been "wussied up" because arbitrators were being replaced by touchy-feely feminine facilitators. Chauvinism aside, I'm not sure there's much of a difference. Facilitators still boss you around, but do so in much more verbose ways with a rhetoric of wide-eyed openness (e.g., "Okay, so you are all going to explore and brainstorm in the small groups we will assemble, and you will not laugh or snicker at any idea if it is too fanciful and unrealistic, and when the prescribed time period has elapsed, we will reconvene and list all of the ideas that we, collectively, as a group have decided are of greatest importance). I suppose it gives people warm feelings inside to be talked to like they're in preschool again, but the message and directives are the same, regardless of the cultural frames that transmit them.

So, my point is that I'm not sure I totally buy Gilligan's (in)famous dichotomy between "male justice" and "female feeling." Hierarchical directives can be implemented through a "feminine frame", just as kindness and altruism can be filtered through a "stoic male frame." In other words, the medium is not the message.

Tarnishing the Golden Boy

Anybody who needs a rooting interest in tomorrow's big game might consider that uber-telegenic corporate shill and Colts QB Peyton Manning has a bit of a checkered past with dealing with women. While he was at the University of Tennessee, a female trainer for the football team successfully sued the university, as Peyton had sexually harrassed her. Later, Manning tried to explain his actions by saying the woman in question had a "vulgar mouth." Once again, this propagated a lawsuit that Manning quickly threw money at to disappear. Apparently, This female trainer is more of a bugaboo to Peyton than the Florida Gators ever were! Of course, his agents and ESPN worked it out so this "scandal" would be swept under the rug, because all would benefit from having a marketable "golden boy" like Peyton.

I realize it's an uphill battle, but I'm cheering for Chicago tomorrow. Hey, if Trent Dilfer can win a Super Bowl, so can Rex Grossman!

Defusing the Dramabomb

Today, I was asked by a colleague/acquaintance whom I'm on good terms with to "pitch in" and help create a "care package" for a mortal enemy of mine (frankly, the only mortal enemy I have), who is going through tough times right now and cannot return to campus yet. Either the colleague is unaware of the enmity I feel towards the stupid cunt in question (which would be surprising, given her propensity for gossiping and melodramatic whining if she perceives somebody doesn't "like" her). However, being the kind and diplomatic soul I am, I managed to "talk nice" without committing anything, even though the vindictive side of me wants to bash the stupid cunt. Sometimes I wonder if being a product of a family of divorce has rendered me conflict-averse, although I am capable of standing up for myself when I need to. I suppose it's only relative. I guess part of being human is the ability to defuse antagonisms preemptively, and whether the short-term costs of arguing are compensated with long-term benefits (be it an improved relationship, or at least self-respect for standing up for yourself). I am not totally sure whether I perceive and weight these costs and benefits properly, although as always, these considerations tend to be context-dependent.

The Road to Anomie and Jadedness is fun!

The new computer came in the mail today. UPS gives people notice that they can expect their packages between 9AM and 7PM, which is lovely, since most people work or go to school during these hours. When the package didn't come by 2:30, I debated cutting my class, but since it's statistics, and missing one class might destroy a semester's worth of sequential learning (and I'm not intellectually gifted enough in that realm to compensate if I did miss it), I decided it wasn't worth the risk. I ran back home and waited around until it finally came, and after setting it up, it's so wonderful to get to type and surf in a (relatively) ergonomically correct fashion and bask in the crystal-clear, luminous glow of my 20" monitor (while the computer processes everything instantaneously, as opposed to the herky-jerky and precarious chugging along of my old laptop). The only disappointment is that the LCD picture appears to be a bit grainy with a couple of my DVD's (which I understand is a drawback to LCD's relative to CRT's). However, watching DVD's is a very secondary purpose intended for the monitor, so it's not a big deal.

Regardless, I'm happy as a clam right now. I sure I hope this doesn't turn into one of those things that you appreciate immediately, then take for granted and find blase later...

Layers

At a relatively fun department party I attended over the weekend, I got to thinking of how categorizing people into personalities and such (as is my nature to do) can be a complex and confusing process. For example, there's many people in my department with whom I have amiable relationships with and will be happy to occasionally have a pint with, but on a deeper level, I don't respect or like them (note: this sentiment can imply neutrality too, and doesn't necessarily mean there's a negative valence here), and certainly don't want to become close friends with them. So, on one level, I can perceive these people as "okay" and "fun", even though at a deeper level, my sentiments and feelings aren't necessarily totally sunny. I suppose it's kind of like the crazy relative(s) in one's family who are the subject of much chatter behind their backs and derision, although there would never be any thought of excluding or banishing them, as family gatherings are fun with their presence, as well.

Moving inward, I'm beginning to learn that I have great arrogance and coldness in me, at the same time that I can also be insecure and "warmth." I'm smart sometimes and downright moronic at others. I have a long fuse at times and am very patient, and sometimes I think I need extra-strength Ritalin. Sometimes I feel emotionally invulnerable and inured to emotional pain and ebbs and flows, and at others, I feel helplessly weak and swayed by these sorts of emotional matters. I could go on, but I suppose it's all about the contextual interaction effects that catalyze different feelings and notions about oneself (and others, in addition to one's relationship to others - a very Meadian perspective). Perhaps when one doesn't have access to all the facets of their personality and sociability, that's when you start to have pathologies and problems...

YouTube is a Cultural Treasure

...where you can find stuff like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERaBECJY2u0

It's an (in)famous episode of the fantastic 1980's game show Press Your Luck where an unemployed ice cream truck driver spent weeks using his newfangled VCR to rigorously study the electronic patterns used to allocate money on the show. After surmising that the wandering lights followed a pattern, and that two of about thirty squares never contained a fatal Whammy, he managed to get on the show and win over $100K. It's hilarious that everyone on the show is astounded by his "luck" when he manages to not hit a Whammy for over forty rolls (especially because the chances of him hitting a Whammy on any given turn were 1/6). While he did mis-click on a couple of occasions, he was fortunate enough to not hit a Whammy, although with his stockpile of spins, in theory, he could have kept the show going for weeks. Anyhow, it's great that youtube helped unearth this important historical relic, because for a long time CBS was embarrassed by it, and would not air the episode.

Anyhow, the story of the ingenious unemployed man ends sadly on a couple of notes. After he mercifully let the show end, he revealed that he bought his collared shirt for 65 cents at a thrift shop, had to borrow money to make it to L.A. for a chance to play on the show, and didn't have any money to buy his daughter a birthday present (which fortunately changed that day!). It made me incredibly sad to realize that there's people all over who face these emasculating and demoralizing experiences of unemployment and indigence, and that they're supposed to cover up their plight by buying collared shirts. Of course, I guess he put all of his idle time to good use. However, he ended up blowing the money on a real estate swindle and other much less successful get-rich-quick schemes and died running from the Securities Commission, according to Wikipedia. However, if dead people can be comforted by consolation, his 15 minutes of fame have now been immortalized...

Better than Christmas as a Kid...

In a fit of opulence, I decided to buy myself a new computer tonight. I've never owned a computer in my life (I'm currently typing on a seven year-hold hand-me-down laptop that's been on its last legs for years). I went really upscale (at least for a grad student's meager salary) with the monitor and bought a 20" digital LCD monitor, as well. I can't wait to download all of the music and movies I could ever want, and run multiple programs without the computer crashing. Most of all, I hope that my monitor will even make my word processor (I'm going to go cheap and use Open Office, at least at first, thereby avoiding as much Microsoft patronage as possible) look stunningly beautiful, and compel me to fill the screen with text beautified with ClearType (in other words, do lots and lots and lots of work on the dissertation), which is supposed to make text on such screens crystal clear.

The worst part of this is the inevitable waiting for my order to get processed through Dell's bureaucracy, put together and then shipped across the continent from Backwater, Texas. It looks like it'll be about two weeks at the least. Until then, I'm still on the laptop, which is so slow and worn down by now, merely typing makes my computer freeze up briefly after each letter...

Assuages guilt better than renouncing Catholicism...

Since I got back from Christmas and away from family, I've noticed that I feel much calmer and less prone to self-flagellation. Last night, suffering from insomnia (my inability to sleep when I'm supposed to is one of the things I wish I could change about myself, and is normally a source of irritaton), I realized that the reason I feel calmer and more confident is that I decided over Xmas that I don't want to have children. It's a highly abstract concept, because I'm utterly incapable of finding a date, let alone someone interested in procreating with me, but I'm sure that eventually I'll have the chance in life to make such a decision. While I absolutely love children, I saw their effect on my relatives. They were more stressed, gained fat, snapped at each other more (usually over child-related logistical duties) and seemed so unhappy much of the time (let's just say the boxed wine industry is making a killing on these two parents). Part of the reason is that the children in question were inherently fussy and high-strung since they were babies (which was exacerbated later in life by well-meaning, but exhausted and naive parenting), thus they are logistically and emotionally difficult (I've had lots of cousins and nieces and nephews, and thus have a reasonable comparison group). Further, while in the past I'd feel guilty at myself for my penchant for sleeping past noon, buying a bacon cheeseburger in the middle of the day, or going on a multi-hour hike in the middle of the day simply because I feel like it, I always thought in the back of my head "you know, if you're capable of being a responsible parent someday, you can't like or do these things too much, if at all. you should probably start growing up now before it's too late." Without that impending life challenge (however amorphously far away on the horizon), I suddenly don't feel like I'm quite the underachiever that I used to be.

I realize not all kids are as difficult as the ones I spent time with over Xmas (and realize that times for them are often good), and different people and marriages are more inclined or equipped towards having children. Regardless, if I'm already happier without children, and I don't even have them, perhaps that's a bit of a sign to myself...

Not a paid advertisement...

...but this Mach 3 Turbo shaving kit I got for Xmas is incredible. My mother got it for me, as she surmises that my appearance is perpetually slovenly (as most mothers do about their sons). I'd never pay a ton of money for a shaving system complete with batteries and such, but I've finally found something that gives me a close shave, yet babies my uber-sensitive skin, and is the first razor to not give me some sort of noticable rash. Technology and capitalism aren't all bad...

No, this isn't sado-masochism...

...However, I really want/need someone chaining me to a desk and whipping me mercilessly like a racehorse to get me to work on my dissertation. It's not that I don't enjoy the topic I've chosen, but the prospect of typing and grinding away for hours and days, and facing my intellectual shortcomings (and having to do more work to try to overcome/obscure them) is exactly the type of thing that I can procrastinate for another hour, or day, or....

Like a dead artist's work appreciating in value after their death

This article made me think that Saddam Hussein should have been cut some slack, if not also some rope. The puppet government in Iraq (controlled by the U.S., of course) was in a hurry to off Saddam because subsequent trials for his war crimes would have brought to light American complicity and support with Iraqi 'atrocities' in the 1980s. Now, Saddam is obviously a bad man. However, structurally, it would be near impossible for anyone to rule Iraq, or any other of these sorts of countries without being a bad man. Iraq was gerrymandered by the British to include three diametrically opposed ethnic groups (a familiar concept in the Middle East). You have enemies trying constantly trying to off you and control land/resources, so you have to be a sociopath to hold on to power, and your own life. That includes things like killing people who were trying to kill you, which was the crime he was hung for. There are lots of other countries whose leaders who resort to similar tactics. who the US is more than okay with. Sure, he "gassed his own people", but were ethnic Kurds allied with the enemy Iran really "his people"? It's not as if civilian targets have never been brought into war before, however unfortunate as that is.

Anyhow, I'm certainly not losing any sleep over the fact that Saddam is dead and gone, but his demise reminds me of a remark by former Mob Boss John Gotti, which acknowledged that he loved the money, power, women and fame his lofty but precarious status bestowed upon him. However, choosing this career path meant that it would all come to a crashing halt one day. It's simply an occupational hazard of being a despot...

Like an absentee parent wiring money for their kid's birthday

Tonight, Caltech men's basketball snapped a 207 game losing streak in Division III athletics by beating athletic powerhouse Bard College. This scenario is funny on numerous levels beyond the gaudy number of losses involved. First, I have a hunch that Caltech went out of their way to fly Bard out to play this game, because the president mentioned going out of his way to attend the game. Not unlike that time when Oberlin and Swarthmore scheudled each other for football games (as both had massive losing streaks that they couldn't snap in their confernces), Caltech scoured the country looking for someone to beat. Cross-country trips for non-conference games probably don't about in D-3 hoops. Secondly, the article notes that Caltech has won against non-D3 opponents during this streak (the overall winless streak was at a paltry 60). This raises the question of what sub-D3 opponents Caltech was beating. Wellesley? High schools? Middle schools? Midnight basketball teams of homeless people? Further, why did it take 207 straight losses for the university to finally invest in the program to fly out some sacrificial lambs to snap the streak?

It's also funny because Caltech persists in having a horrifically bad basketball team (and I'd conjecture, athletic program). Could being this bad for an athletically prestigious institution be a badge of honor? Does Caltech have athletic boosters that would quit donating to the school if they went the way of Reed College and totally abolished intercollegiate athletics (and instead focuses on intramural sports, which everyone can partake in)? The Reed scenario is significant, because I feel that one could throw institutional theory out as an explanation why Caltech still bothers to have an intercollegiate athletic program. The legitimate form of prestigious, big time universities includes athletic programs of some incarnate. Even if that form is broken and shoddy, it's still important to possess and shine up with a date with a slumpbuster.

Smashed

I'm listening to the Offspring's Smash for the first time in 12 years (I was 14 when I first heard it, and remember being blown away by it). While it's a fun hardcore album, I've also heard a countless other bands that sound pretty much exactly the same (a charge often leveled at, but less accurately at their quasi-punk bretheren Green Day). I remember being absolutely blown away by the album as an adolescent. I suppose it goes to show that the wide-eyed naivete of youth is precious. While it was a harbinger of the neo-punk movement, I don't think Smash or the Offspring have a particularly timeless quality (in constrast to say, Husker Du (or for that matter, the Ramones or Clash), who would have been even cooler if you heard them before Nirvana, Green Day and every other 1990's band that owed a heavy debt to them, yet they still rock today). I'm not sure what the difference between a successful band who ends up being artistically relevant or influential and one that does (and for the purposes of analysis, excise bands like NSYNC, Bush et al.).

Something to think about, if nothing else...

Oh, and after two plus weeks of constant family with its accompanying joys and annoyances, as an introvert, I'm ready to move to one of the sparsely populated counties in Montana that aren't overrun with white supremicists. I'll "forget" my cell phone at home too....